The funniest thing that I read in 2013 was from a newspaper clipping that I took off the cupboard door at Aunt Lavada’s house. The article was entitled : The Secret of Losing Weight: A successful dieter offers 15 tips for frustrated fatties (1956) by Mae Eanes {She is pictured here--Minus 40 pounds after two years' dieting--5'8" and 125 lbs}1. Get the scales out of the bathroom. Put them in front of the refrigerator—not to one side where you can sneak around them, but right smack in front so you’ll have to stand on them before opening the refrigerator door.
2. Paste reminders in strategic places. For women, a picture of a model in a bathing suit. For men, a picture of a model in a bathing suit.
3. Avoid the company of thin people who complain loudly that no matter what they eat, they can’t gain an ounce. Also avoid very fat people, who can make the dieter feel slender by comparison.
4. Keep loose change in your pocket-- amounts matching the calories you consume. When you’ve “spent” it all, quit eating for the day. (This is harder for women because they rarely have two pockets on anything.)
5. Tell your friends you’re dieting. They’ll be bored to death, but you won’t have the nerve to eat in front of them.
6. Torture yourself: read recipe books containing rich, foreign specialties. But prepare none of them; don’t even keep the ingredients in the house. This will give you a feeling of self-righteousness which would be spoiled by eating.
7. If you are happily married, insist that your spouse call you”fatty” at appropriate intervals. (Not recommended for quick tempered dieters.)
8. Never go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. Never take much money with you when you go shopping.
9. *MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE* Try on clothing one size smaller than what you are wearing now. The expression on the clerk’s face—not to mention your reflection in the mirror—should haunt you for some time.
10. If you have a friend who’s also trying to diet, show yourself off as a shining example, eating lightly while he or she stuffs. It may make your friend hate you, but in the long run it will keep you in line. (It also might make your friend see the value of the stick-to-your-diet game, thus helping two people instead of one.)
11. Don’t use large plates at dinner. Small amounts of food on large plates are demoralizing. Use small plates. What food you can eat will show up better.
12. While watching TV, keep a bowl of cracked ice alongside your chair. Suck on it—don’t chew it or you’ll endanger your teeth. Cracked ice substitutes for pretzels or popcorn.
13. Don’t think that chewing gum and mints are food substitutes. The former may only make you hungry. The latter are loaded with calories.
14. *THIS ONE IS NOT GOOD ADVICE* Don’t give up smoking when you start to diet. You’ll feel sorry for yourself and only eat more.
15. Before dieting, some people claim they are helped by having one big final fling. They get sick on whole jars of olives, stacks of pork chops, cake a la mode. The effect may last for the first few days of dieting—which is really the critical period.
Those are some of the rules of the game. As in any game, the player can step out of bounds. Tapping the tops of cookie jars or hiding chocolates is not considered sporting.
By looking at Aunt Lavada and Aunt Imogene, you wouldn't guess that they had to worry about dieting at all. I know they worked hard, but since they posted this on their cupboard after they moved in the early 80's, I'm guessing that they took some of her advise to heart.
Steve's highlight of 2010
